I’ve been working on a project with a local business, Her Elevated.
The lovely owner, Katie, had an idea.
To tell the story of the women who walk through her doors. But not any ole story. The story of their bodies.
Not the one you make up when you see a body and think you know what they’re all about.
The real story. The one that tells us where they’ve been, what they’ve been through, what they’ve over come – both physically and emotionally.
For the past almost 3 years we’ve been documenting these stories and sharing them on Katie’s @her_elevated instagram feed.
I’ll be sharing more about the project in another post, along with a photo of everyone involved.
But one thing I wanted, having been behind the camera this whole time, was to step in front of it and share my own body story.
I set up the lights and then I handed the camera over to Katie and she took these amazing images of me.
I’ve shared my images, along with my story, below.
And, like all the other photos, there is no retouching to any of these images (unless it was something that would naturally heal like a blemish, cut/scrape, rash, bruise – you get the picture).
Wrinkles, warts, cellulite, gray hair, body sizes, etc have all been left as-is.
The way they should be.
Reality is beautiful.
Give me a quick description of you (single/married, kids, age, where you’re from, etc):
I am a 48 year old woman in a loving partnership with my bf Shawn since 2013.
Born on a Naval Base in Jacksonville Florida.
I’m originally from Rhode Island (raised there and lived most of my life on the East Coast).
Moved to East Sac in 2019. We currently call Fair Oaks/Citrus Heights area home.
I’m a photographer and have had my business since 2002, yet have been in the world of photography for much longer than that.
I like wild flowers and Summer + Sunshine, the ocean is like therapy for me, I love cheese + cake and cheesecake, I love stuffed animals and art, and I feel that make-believe + play are forms of real magic that we all have access to. (not only for kids!)
We all have a body story — Overweight. Underweight. Babies. Trauma. Bullying. Aging. Etc. If you don’t mind sharing, tell us about your body story:
The first time I realized my body could be faulty was due to laughter.
I was at a party.
A group of adult family members had gathered together, looking at photographs from a past event.
They were laughing and pointing.
I approached thinking it would be a funny image of something silly that I could laugh at too.
When I got close enough, I saw it was a photo of me.
The way the photo was taken, and the way I was turned in it, made my butt look very large (in reality, it wasn’t, now that my adult mind remembers it – but I was a young vulnerable teen when this happened).
They all found it so funny.
I was devastated.
I remember quietly walking into the bathroom of the house we were at and yanking my tshirt out, hoping it would be enough to cover my huge backend. I never wore clothes that weren’t super baggy again.
They had to cover and hide that butt.
I didn’t want to be laughed at again.
I had many times in my life when my weight was pointed out to me. That it was a bad thing.
That it was a thing that needed to be disguised or hidden or fixed.
Thing of it is, I wasn’t overweight. Not even in the slightest.
But I came from a mom who had always been super thin. My siblings were all underweight (so much so they needed to drink Ensure).
Thin was in in my household. Scales ruled and the smaller that number the better.
But I was a hearty one with curves. My body failed to be super thin.
I can’t tell you how many times I was told my thighs were too chubby, or too big. From family and “friends”.
Or that I was obviously gaining weight because “look at those double chins!” –
I turned the double-chin thing into a joke because if I sat too long with it, I’d have crumbled from the ache of not being enough.
Or, rather, being too much.
Throughout it all, I always moved my body. I do love movement.
Though there were times I’d push my movement too far with little food, as a punishment of sorts.
“Can’t you be thinner!?!”
I made many poor choices based-on the fact that I felt I wasn’t worthy so I strived to find my worthiness outside of myself.
I never felt pretty enough or thin enough or smart enough – I hated myself and hated that I hated myself.
I hated that my body felt like a failure.
Back in 2016/2017 my partner and I went through fertility treatments.
It didn’t work.
Not because one of us had an issue. It simply didn’t take.
We didn’t do anything wrong, though it does feel that way.
I feel like I failed at something I really wanted. That my partner really wanted.
After the treatments didn’t work, I spiraled. I was depressed and felt broken.
Like I screwed up the only thing I thought I was capable of being: a mom.
My body, was yet again, a failure.
My body failed my partner, my body failed my desire to me a mom.
I started using alcohol to self soothe, which turned ugly.
My body became bloated and sick, I was achy and felt miserable almost daily, until I had wine in me.
Then I had that false feeling of flying. But really, I was drowning.
In 2019 I decided to stop drowning. I decided to stop burying my pain in toxic behaviors.
I decided to choose me.
And that meant releasing a lot of toxic shit from my life: substances, people, experiences, junk food thoughts.
I’ve learned to put up boundaries, not only to protect myself, but to help myself thrive and grow into who I was always meant to be.
I’ve struggled for many years to see my worth. To recognize my power.
I’m still working on that, to this day.
But as of today I am doing so with a clear mind, and an open heart.
I struggle to feel like people will like me (making friends is hard).
But even if they don’t like me, that’s okay. I’m learning to like myself. To love myself.
And that I am not a failure.
My body is aging now, and that’s okay.
Alright, maybe I’m not thrilled with the neck thing (why!? WHY!??!) and sometimes it’s jarring to see crepey skin where dewey bouncy skin used to live.
And peri-menopause is no joke. Like, why did no one warn me?!
If I could I’d choose to have cramps and blood for the rest of my life because this other shit is not cool.
It’s hot. And then it’s really cold. And then it’s wicked hot again.
I’m learning to love her, my body and me. I’m back to working out again thanks to the brilliant Her Elevated community.
I found a safe place to call home where I feel encouraged to be fully me.
And in that simplicity is so much strength.
This is also the first time in my life where I show up and I am just me. I’m not trying to fit into a mold or trying to be anyone else.
It’s me.
And I’m really beginning to love this person I am becoming.
Presently — what is the biggest lesson/take/love about your body story?
One thing I do love about myself is I will always find the positive. It’s a trait my dad held, something I picked up from him.
Even in the deepest of shit, you can find the light. Even in the crappiest of experiences, there is a bright beautiful lesson in there.
I know you can’t Pollyanna the hell out of life, but you sure can choose to stay in that light.
And not in that catch phrase-y kinda way.
But like, bad things are gonna happen. So are good things.
What you focus on truly is what starts to become your life.
Focus on gossip and lies and bullshit, and guess what your life is gonna be? A bunch of sad drama.
Focus on the good, the positive, the happy, and guess what?
You’re gonna live a pretty damn awesome life.
Yea I’ve gone through some crap. And I could let that shame and sadness anchor me in a place of darkness.
But I deserve to dwell in the sunshine. I can be a mom to many. I can be a mom to myself.
And I can love this person I am becoming, every single part of her.
“I am a woman built upon the wreckage of myself.”
― Chris Cleave, Incendiary
What do you appreciate most about your body?
My Body’s strength and resiliency. I’m strong. I also heal pretty quickly, don’t get sick too often, and if I do it comes and goes quickly.
I also love my freckles, and my red hair (not as red as it once was but it’s still there).
When you’re having a funky body day – how do you shift your perspective?
Take a walk. Sit in the sun and get quiet. Let nature sing me lullabies.
Pet a cat or dog.
I also recognize that I am surrounded by a lot of great love, and those that love me believe in me.
And all of those people are like super smart, and strong and sexy and cute and they’re right so –
I’m learning to start to see myself through their eyes too.
What would you tell your younger self about your body?
She’s beautiful and strong and capable and worthy. That curves are amazing and butts are cute no matter the size.
Actually, size doesn’t matter, it’s the heart that matters. Take care of that gentle loving heart and the rest will follow.
How has movement changed your life?
I feel much more confident and secure in my form. I’m also moving for my future self.
I know we can’t know for sure where we’ll be in any given year, but if I’m privileged enough to make it to my 50s, 60s, 70s, and beyond ( beyond please!) I want to make sure my body can move.
Like, run and skip and jump and MOVE.
I’m doing this, for now me and future me. Because she (and I) deserve that.
What is your favorite type of movement and why?
I love walking, because it allows me to see the little things and search for treasures (I love finding treasures!).
I also love love love kickboxing! I had an instructor years ago who was part of the USA Olympic Kickboxing Team. He was amazing! I have never loved a class more. He didn’t simply make you move, his techniques showed us how to use our bodies as weapons (if needed). It was extremely empowering.
He even had a show one time at the gym to show off his students and I was one of the students he chose to demonstrate the class. That felt so good – like, really, me?!
I used to be in gymnastics and ice skating too, I love those as well but haven’t done them in years.
Pilates is cool too. Swimming. Bike riding. Hiking. Okay I like to move.
What’s your all time favorite motivational song?
The Eye of the Tiger
Maybe because this very very shy little girl had to step out onto a stage and perform a gymnastics routine to it, and this song helped her feel brave.
That and it’s a kick ass song.
What is something you wish other women could see in themselves?
How strong and brave they are. How beautiful they are.
How their size isn’t what makes them worthy or not, that simply being alive makes them worthy.
That they are meant to be here and that they are loved.
And that even if they can’t find that love for themselves right now, that’s okay.
Let those around you love on you.
And listen to the ones that build you up, they are whispering the truths that already live inside your heart.
How did it feel moving in your Athleta Ritual Undies? Any feedback on this is welcome.
Super comfortable and secure. Sometimes bras are super awful, I actually hate them. I prefer bralettes without wires. This bra was so dang comfy. And soft. I didn’t want to rip it off as soon as I put it on.
And the underpants had great coverage and they didn’t roll or end up rising up into my butt crack.
Yea, I said butt crack. I’m classy like that.
If there is anything else you’d like to add, please do so here:
I wanted to say thank you.
Thank you to each and every single woman that courageously stepped in front of my lens to share their OHE body story.
I know that wasn’t easy (now I really know because I did it too!).
I know some stories were full of uncertainty, sadness, trauma, unworthiness.
Thank you for bravely sharing.
I hope this process showed you how amazingly brilliant and beautiful you are.
Because you are.
I hope that you found peace, and joy, and realize just how strong you are.
Because, you are.
I hope you felt that love that maybe you didn’t receive those many years ago, or have longed for.
Because, you are loved.
I hope that if you had to let go of anything that was anchoring you from blooming into who you are meant to be,
that you were able to do so.
Because, you deserve that.
I hope this small part of your journey helped you focus on the exceptional soul you see when you look at yourself.
And that unkind moments are going to come up, we all have those moments.
But that you know that that is not where you live.
Look at that unkind moment as you got a little lost, you took a right when you should have taken a left.
You can turn around.
You can choose to head in the other direction.
You can always choose you.
Always choose YOU.
I love you!
xoxo
#OperationHerElevated
